Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
