Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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