those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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