her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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