Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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