i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
