How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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