my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think a kid would responsible me up
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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