I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
