he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
