3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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