Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
