Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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