Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
