Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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