Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
