i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
