I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
