imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
