I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
