i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
