i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
