I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
