idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
