i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize