guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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