This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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