Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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