thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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