there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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