The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
