just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i need some magic done to my vagina
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
