he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
