he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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