You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
