I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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