I CAN MOONWALK!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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