honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
