Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Terrible idea I love it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize