Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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