I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I won the penis lottery.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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