I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
