You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
