Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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