An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
