I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
