i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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