I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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