I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
