Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
