Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
