So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
