I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
