i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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