This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
