I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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