My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
