new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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