Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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