her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
